I can't lie to myself.

As I'm trying to find reasons why I'm feeling this way, I keep telling myself, I'm nothing to her. Apasal nak terhegeh - hegeh lagi ni?

Yes, I found someone new. To ease the heartache. And hopefully to cure it away. But why do I keep listening to your favourite song? Why do I keep replaying all the good times we had together in my head? Why do I shiver knowing that you won't be here to keep me warm?

Even the hardest math equation can't beat this puzzle I'm trying to solve. Did I fall THAT hard for you?

I can't lie to myself anymore. It hurts me to say, I'm still not over you.

But when i browse through our previous conversations in msn, I realise I was always giving 70% while you were supporting with only 30%. You always needed a reason to love. Either you force me to make my hair in a way you find hot, or wear something you find hot. You didn't love me unconditionally, as i did you. Let's level with reality, If you would whisper to me those three words. I would be running back to you. Right into your soft arms. But now, I'm not gonna make it that easy. Eventhough, i need and want you every second. I need some proof. That you're love is genuine. Because mine is.

I'm not some hobo you can get to dangle in front of your ex. Be mindful of that. These past two months are the worst. And can be equivalent to the three times i was forced to leave you.

Good Luck for SPM. I know you can do it.
and so does Mr SMP who loves you very much. haha.

I hate you, so so much. But.. I love you.

Kenapa you ni?

Dont say it, if u dont mean it.
Dont say it, if u cant do it.
Dont say it, if u cant prove it.

My New Sister

Cute kan dia? Nama dia karina. And I'm responsible for her nowadays. ;D

Rational Response.

My previous post might've been abit harsh to some yang terasa pedasnya. 

I have moved on. I've looked past this. and no hard feelings have been kept. Hope she is happy as I am now.

There is always something better, around the corner.

As I am writing this down, I see her. And this isn't dotdotdot anymore. Its A. Ohh, A. Where do I begin?

When I lost dotdotdot. I thought woah, im sad, I dont think I can recover. Blahblahblah Macam the world doesnt spin anymore and whatever. I was kind of foolish to think those sort of things even though it felt right and it felt true. I did tore up in pieces and yes it made me feel like utter shit. But my atuk always told me, which all who are reading should believe, that everything happens for a reason. 

To whoever who was left without consent, who were shattered by lies of false words. Please, don't make it hard for urselves. Keep ur shit together. But how could you when that other half made you so fucked up. I understand. When I was going thru the same shit, Lots of words of encouragement flung my way. Quotes by people who have :-

Adrees : Its okay man, Being single is fun! You could go out with whoever you want, Mingle as                   as much as you'd like. Get a few scandals here and there. Play the field.

Su         : Adruce, move on. I hate seeing my little brother like this. Yes, you can wait. Tapi

                sampai bila? Lots of other girls can make you happy.

Nab      : Adruce, you should get someone you're age.

Oh yeah, did i forget to mention my other half asked me to wait? Yeah, that's right. Its been two months and I haven't heard even a hi. Cruel kan? But some people tend to screw you up and hold you down. Listen, I have grown tired of hearing her flurring about elsewhere with other men while I sit waiting for a phone call or an sms. Listen guys, Things may seem bad at first. You can't find a reason to get up from bed, you wouldn't even turn on ur ipod just in case her songs come playing, But why do we end up doing the things we did. Its because we keep remembering the good stuff. Sure there were plenty. Not forgetting the bad ones. Look again, Im sure you'l see something different. We will always keep thinking about them. The way they made us laugh. The way they made us happy. Sure, but was it true for them as it was for us? Ask urself that question.

My main advice, don't shun urselves from doing what you love and normally do. NEVER EVER pass up an oppurtunity to socialize or meet new people like say in my case, Sofia's Halloween Party. Here's where i met A. I swear the moment i saw her. Wasnt like any other. I cudn't keep my eyes off of her. Even Aizat noticed that I had my eye on her the whole night. We met in a unordinary fashion. I was basicly making jokes and dancing thriller that night. She noticed and laughed alot. One thing led to another and we started talking. She invited me and our friends to go swimming in her pool. I had a blast. I couldn't remember the last time i had so much fun. We played a bunch of games. And she on the other hand, made a move by saying " You look like David Archuleta. Pastu, dia sengih. HAHA. It was so cute. and basicly the night went perfect. Around 3am, me, ameerul and aizat decided to hit the culdesac. About Halfway thru my journey. I couldnt help but think, " Am I walking away empty handed? No numbers, no emails" of course I did, I didn't want to rush things. But then, Aizat gave me an epiphany to give it a shot. Went back all the way. Rang her doorbell. She was at her window, staring down at me. As she opened her window, she said, Are you missing something? And i said, Yeah, Youre number! She and her friends laughed, and she went on ahead by giving me her number while tersengih-sengih. And i bid her goodnight. Since then, I have seen her a cpl of times. Texting her and calling her everyday. Im starting to feel like the hole in my heart never existed. A managed to sow it back up. And when i keep thinking about it, Have i moved on? Have i finally gotten over dotdotdot? I think so. That being said, A is more of a sweetheart than i hoped she would be. She's FUNNY! haha. Makes me laugh, we have the same taste in movies. Tho not so much in music. But il force her to listen to my ipod anyways. Haha. Im liking her more and more each day.

It feels good. THIS feels good. Im finally happy. :)

Gym beats the shit out of me.

So yeah, PMR post-candidates find themselves at a tough spot having done a lot of things within the frst week of our own vacation. Being one of them, I took on the liberty of joining a gym. Its fun actually if you cut out all the sweat dripping from ure ballsack and the agony screams coming from ur muscles due to the weights. Ignoring the fact that you have to stare at everyone's ass at the showers, gym is a really good place to "cuci mata".

Thats right, For al the perverts out there. Gym is a resource. haha. A mojority of gym members are already fit and in shape to inspire boners. So go ahead boys, look! I even made fast friends with an instuctor. My personal instructor, Zuri. I joined because a friend by the name of Afroz works there and persuaded me. He succeeded and yes, i am seeing results. Now that's awesome. A daily routine of coming in the morning and evening. Starting off with 25 minutes on the threadmill, then another 20 on the bicycle RPMs, break with a juice on the house by Emma. Thanks hun. And, weight lifting session with Jay, usually around an hour building up my chest doing Benchpresses and whatnot. Then i hope back on the stepper for 15 minutes, and do footwork for another half an hour. My body is literally at torture. Haha. But hey, looking good comes with a price. My sperm sterility. HAHA.

Emma btw is a really fun, cool consultant at the gym that I've been seeing. She's fun to flirt with. She thinks I'm 18. haha. Shhh. Anyways, this is excluding the free classes. OHOHO Zumbaa yeay! hahaha! God dammit, so the gym offers classes such as aerobics, dance classes, yoga classes that are not only fun but maintains a purpose on burning our fats. Please, if you are a member, Highlight the zumba dance classes. The instructor is enuf to make you jizz ur pants. FUCKING HOT. anyways, it's been fun. and im seeing fast results. Lets see if i can get a six pack by december. WOOHOO.

till then, Senyum sokmo guys.

I should just suck it up.

I nampak dia. My heart beats a million beats in a second. 

I wudn't know what to say. I wudn't know what to do. Cudn't breathe sometimes.

I wanna stare. I won;t. Why? because I'm scared. Screwing up whatever happiness she has now.

My head says fuck it. Leave her alone. but god knows, my heart is craving for her every second.

Sometimes in life, things don't go the way you want. And I'm being melodramatic by being so emo-ish. I won't even stand being in the same room with her. Even if we're accompanied by our same dearest friends. Its hard. But maybe If i could just find it in my heart to go talk to her. She knows I'l always forgive her. What's stopping me, I have no idea.

This is childish. I have to start opening my eyes, and see the situation, as it is. 

Time to try to make good times for a change. God, to see the look i have whenever she's around cud've turned a good man turn bad. haha. But, ahh please please please, let me let me let me get what i want this time. I miss her. 

Grow up adruce. Grow up. +__+

FUCK! SHIT! DAMN!

OMG! HOW THE HELL did 500 days of summer exactly showed what my life story is about. WHAT THE FUCK WEYH?! I watched this at the panggung at it was like watching myself. THEY EVEN GOT THE FUCKING SONG that i play in my head whenever i happy dengan dotdotdot. WHO THE FUCK WENT INTO MY BRAIN? THE MUSICAL PART IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINE MYSELF when im happy. GOD, the guy in the movie even has the same taste in music as me. And summer jangan cakap la. Its exactly what happened between me and dotdotdot. But i dont think im ready to follow the ending. Im still in the fucked up part. You know, where he's all alone and depressed. This movie is me. this is creepy. Bestie, i need you.

Gah! I need a break.

Hey guys, since PMR finished its been the happiest and saddest time of my life. 

Happiest because lately I've been seing dotdotdot more than I'd hope to. I mean it's uncomfortable sure. And it hurts me inside to not be able to face facts. But that's just the way things are, i guess. Broken hearted aside, Its as if there was no hole everytime I see her smile. Rindu gila babi la kat joyah. Babi pun tak gila macam ni. Ku Mahu Kau Tahu has been keeping me company. I can take care of myself don't worry. But just so you know, I wont accept care from anyone else except you. Im waiting still. Its almost two whole months now. Hasnt been a second that im not thinking of you. Im happily waiting. Because i know, it will all be worth it at the end of the day.

Saddest because My atuk preferably called abah went into ICU at University Hospital on October 15th. He suffered a heart attack which lead to many fatal problems. He's resting now. I pray every day and every night that he recovers fast. He was a father to me. A role model. A hero. My atuk's name is Abdul Aziz bin Mokhtar. He is a Japanese man who migrated to Malaysia when he was a child. Raised by the local malays in Johor. My two great grandparents, Tok Tih and Tok Yim. He was the second child among the seven. He was well known to be tough, strong, and determined. The main criterias for a good leader. And yes he is. He was sent off to a military school when he was my age. Pursued his career in the army and went on to be a High rank Artillary Major. He was responsible to fight off communists during post-merdeka dates. Being in the army taught abah how to suck it up. Meaning ignoring fear, pain and doubt. I have never seen Atuk more sad as he is now.

The tale of true love as i see it is best shown between the care and love portrayed by my atuk and nenek. My nenek;s name is Fathilah binti Ibrahim. She's the nenek mainly my friends know as Bagan Lalang Nenek. Haha. As i stood there, crying, helpless in the room with all my relatives, My nenek was holding his hand. Scrubbing it, one after another. She kept saying,          " Aziz, I ada kat sini eh? Everything is gonna be alright.. Everything is gonna be alright.." My atuk is in a coma, therefore he could not respond. But he could hear everything we were saying. He could respond with just mere hand grasps and leg shakings. My nenek was never tired and stood by his side the whole time. Washing his face, whispering the sweet lullabies of the Yassin into his ears. One night, we got word from the doctors that my atuk had very minimal chance of making it. We were torn apart. There wasnt a light at the end of the tunnel. We wept. But no. My nenek didnt participate in grief. Instead she wanted to spend the last hours of his husband not in sadness. But in happiness. She went to his room. Holding in every tear, and starting talking normally. Informing him on whats going on the news and saying who came to visit him and whatnot. My atuk LOVED to watch CNN. everytime he comes to our houses hed switch the channels. end up semua boring. haha.

These two lovebirds care deeply for each other. I know this because they spend every moment together. Nak beli roti pun pegi sama2. Nak beli ubat dari pharmacy pun sama2. Nak manja2 dengan cucu sama2. Nak masak pun sama2. If unfortunately he's gone. I dont think my nenek can take it very well. Who could? Thats why as the eldest cucu I have to give her all the love she needs. 

I got to spoke with atuk recently. well he couldn't respond but It was just me and him. I finally had the chance to say what i want to say to him.

The conversation went like this, 

"atuk, adruce ni. atuk jangan sedih. Semua orang ada dekat sini untuk atuk. Atuk jangan risau, lepas ni adruce boleh tolong masakkan untuk aiman, nuha, tasnim semua(the other cucus yang manja dengan atuk i) Nenek pun adruce akan jaga baik2. Ish, atuk ni. Tulah, Makan manis2 lagi. Orang dah kata dah. Kitaorg semua sayang dekat atuk. Adruce pun sayang. Banyak NI(then i tunjuk how big i loved him. haha) Atuk rehat okay? bila2 atuk nak bangun. Adruce akan ada kat sini."

He grasp my hand as tight as he could. Not wanting me to leave. I didn't. I stood by him the entire day. And now he is slowly recovering alhamdulilah. And he might wake up anytime now. Im so grateful for this. Esok pagi2 lagi i nak pergi hospital. Till then guys, Goodnight.

Merdeka doesn't taste that good.

Well, It is decidedly so. PMR is over and done with. Byebye PMR and hello SPM. :)

I've done everything possible to have fun and enjoy. Its my second day of freedom. And i have no idea on what to do next. haha What now? I lay in bed, listening to my ipod. I spend most of the time breezing through poetic songs from britain in my british playlist. Thats right. Thats how xde kerja i am. 

So life as I know it now is care-free. Enjoying it to the fullest. Though it certainly didn't meet up to my expections. And now i just can't help but think of dotdotdot. Is she doing good? Is she all well and stuffing herself with maggi and chocolates and sardines. haha. I miss her. Every part of me does. Seems as tho things have moved on. Time, situations, move forward without her. Its something that i have adjusted to and the pain bears less, almost non-existent. I keep thinking of the good times, and thats what strikes hard the most. Everywhere i look something reminded me of her. and that sucked. Things are better for her now. And I want her to be happy with the way things are. Well, 10% of me la. The other 90% begs to hear her voice again. :(

I miss her kehkehkeh laugh, I miss the way tucks her hair to the side everytime she tries to think, I miss the way she stared at me, I miss her strawberry scent, I miss the way she keeps me safe, i miss the way she kept me warm, i miss the way we fight, i miss the way we piss abg azuan off, her sweet morning messages, the way she calls me Baby, the hindustan singing, the planning our dream house, the way we always reminded each other of how we met, the singing her to sleep, the building kubu;s. Thats just a fraction of what i miss. Sigh. But most of all, I miss the way She made me feel. After every date, or study group or even after a call. I'd smile for no reason. And the smile usually leads to this one theme song thats stuck in my head. For some reason, if im happy with her, this song keeps playing in my head and makes me have these thoughts of me being a musical. My own musical. Haha, and every morning as i walk to school to see her, i become like this maniac who smiled alot and salam everybody. Haha I was really happy. It was as though the world spun with me. The sun rises and sets with me. Everything was.. nice. And i havent felt this in a while. Who knows how longer I have to wait to get this back. But i still hope, in every prayer of every night, that there's something better around the corner. I just have to look for it.

As the doves say, In times of sweet disposition, Serendipitous twists of fate awaits at every turn.

RinduRinduRinduRinduRindu.

PMR

Yeah, the big day is coming. And it's definately getting to me. Insyaallah everything will be fine. Wish me luck guys.

Gah, whilst doing revisions I can't escape thinking about her STILL. Its not that i wanna forget her. I just.. Here's what I think of love.

Love is like a fire. Either it will warm you're heart.

Or burn your entire house down.

You can never tell. Haha. Amacam? My metaphors are awesome. haha!

I know Im hurt. And I know she's not ever coming back. But there's still some small part of me that still reads her horoscope in the papers everyday. :)

Starting Fresh.

Hey guys,

My last blog had SO many emo posts. I couldn't bear the sight nor thought of it. I feel that I should stop using it as a bulletin board and more to telling people some stories of my recent life. So here we go again,


First off, I want to ucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri or Eid Mubarak to friends who are reading this now, I dah compose one sempoi text message that i sent to close friends. If you didnt get it, please text me so I can slap myself and send it. Haha. RAYA 09' has its ups and downs. But what i can tell you is that its one of the best rayas I've had so far. In fact, Lemme share some info starting from Day 1.

Day 1.

Yes, raya eve. The day where every able bodied man throws himself to every digestible object just for the fact that we can EAT SESUKA HATI NOW. and even to not fit the Baju Melayus and Baju Kurungs just to give another gray hair for mum and dad. Haha, I am not promoting to susahkan our mum and dad. We should LOVE them with all our hearts. But, without a few speed bumps along the way, its like their not doing they're job. HAHA. I spent my raya eve, with The Niks at Shah Alam. It was a hell of alot fun kicking Eiman around since I havent seen him in a while and the fact that he did badly in his recent exams. Uncle Emery literally gave me a green light to teach him a lesson or two about Overobsessing games and wasting time. And as you know me, I intend to use violence and force. HAHA. Kesian dia, When im not kicking Eiman around I play with Eilan. The littlest romeo of us all. Guess what, Aunt Zizi cut his hair. HE IS NOT CUTE ANYMORE! Well, i can fix that. But he does look more boy-ish now. No more Mcdreamy. HAHA. Then me, yan, arif, zarul, azhar, and aris went Last Minute Raya Shopping at Shah Alam Mall. I spent my savings on A pair of new Marks and Spencer pants, a pair of cap ayam shoes just to throw at other cousins, and Mercuns to play later that night. We bought the muthafreaking turdcock of a mercun. The OSAMA BIN LADEN. IT IS FREAKING HUGE, LOUD, and EXPENSIVE. But totally worth it when we woke up Tokwe and Mamatok. Yan sampai kena lecture. HAHA. Me and aris went ahead and planted the usuals, Thundercrack, Lightning Claps, Dragon eggs, Light Rifles, Big Bang Minis, Boom Boom Sticks and the infamous Pop Pop. Haha. Ouch, all that resulted in widestream chaos, mayhem of noise, burnt thumbs, Gashed fingers, and a whole lotta scars. Haha. My most painful raya yet. Well at least I know, i wasn't the worst. ;p Got a video call from My bestie<3 Aryana. Haha. She tried the show me the mercun she was playing and she ended up burning part of her shirt. HAHAHA. Kecoh satu rumah, Got to talk to ma Fati and pa and derang suruh I datang rumah secepat mungkin to go see Kenit and Kenot which is anak Kak Leya and brader Ashraf. Kak Amani gave me a brief message saying Oi you. Adik i rindu, come now and il make you pancakes. But of course i wasnt fooled. She never keeps her promise. haha. I tak reply. Lamaaa lepas tu, dia message balik, extra syrup. HAHAHA Love you guys so so much. Can't wait to go to penang!!

When i least expected it, I received a phone call from dotdotdot. It was very sweet of her to take the inisiative to call and ask how was my well being. For a brief moment, I had forgotten all the fuck ups in the past, It seemed as though nothing happened and nothing changed. We had fun talking for half an hour. Next thing i know, she has to go. Said our goodbyes and wished each other to take good care. It was nice. Finally i actually smiled sincerely without having to force myself. I miss that sengih2 feeling everytime i hear her voice. But that was that. And I snapped back to reality. She's gone. She's happy. Leave her alone. Spent yet another all nighter with the twins watching hbo. Saturday night showtimes are the BEST. We started with a midnight movie of Three can play at that game. FUCKING HILARIOUS OF a movie that features relationships as games. Then followed by Hancock which the twins were very hesistant to watch at first because they say it sucked. I LIKED IT. Didn;'t quite get the whole Charlize Theron being a superwoman too. But what the hell. I suspect that the twins are rascist. HAHA. I mean CMON. Just because Will Smith is black doesn't mean its gonna suck. So ficcle minded of a cousin la. Make that COUSINS. HAHA. Didnt sleep till Pagi Raya where everybody woke up. and we were the last men standing. Haha. What happens next, is just something you would want to wait. Its worth the time.

I cant say much now, Till the next post.

Senyum sokmo guys. ;)