Gym beats the shit out of me.

So yeah, PMR post-candidates find themselves at a tough spot having done a lot of things within the frst week of our own vacation. Being one of them, I took on the liberty of joining a gym. Its fun actually if you cut out all the sweat dripping from ure ballsack and the agony screams coming from ur muscles due to the weights. Ignoring the fact that you have to stare at everyone's ass at the showers, gym is a really good place to "cuci mata".

Thats right, For al the perverts out there. Gym is a resource. haha. A mojority of gym members are already fit and in shape to inspire boners. So go ahead boys, look! I even made fast friends with an instuctor. My personal instructor, Zuri. I joined because a friend by the name of Afroz works there and persuaded me. He succeeded and yes, i am seeing results. Now that's awesome. A daily routine of coming in the morning and evening. Starting off with 25 minutes on the threadmill, then another 20 on the bicycle RPMs, break with a juice on the house by Emma. Thanks hun. And, weight lifting session with Jay, usually around an hour building up my chest doing Benchpresses and whatnot. Then i hope back on the stepper for 15 minutes, and do footwork for another half an hour. My body is literally at torture. Haha. But hey, looking good comes with a price. My sperm sterility. HAHA.

Emma btw is a really fun, cool consultant at the gym that I've been seeing. She's fun to flirt with. She thinks I'm 18. haha. Shhh. Anyways, this is excluding the free classes. OHOHO Zumbaa yeay! hahaha! God dammit, so the gym offers classes such as aerobics, dance classes, yoga classes that are not only fun but maintains a purpose on burning our fats. Please, if you are a member, Highlight the zumba dance classes. The instructor is enuf to make you jizz ur pants. FUCKING HOT. anyways, it's been fun. and im seeing fast results. Lets see if i can get a six pack by december. WOOHOO.

till then, Senyum sokmo guys.

I should just suck it up.

I nampak dia. My heart beats a million beats in a second. 

I wudn't know what to say. I wudn't know what to do. Cudn't breathe sometimes.

I wanna stare. I won;t. Why? because I'm scared. Screwing up whatever happiness she has now.

My head says fuck it. Leave her alone. but god knows, my heart is craving for her every second.

Sometimes in life, things don't go the way you want. And I'm being melodramatic by being so emo-ish. I won't even stand being in the same room with her. Even if we're accompanied by our same dearest friends. Its hard. But maybe If i could just find it in my heart to go talk to her. She knows I'l always forgive her. What's stopping me, I have no idea.

This is childish. I have to start opening my eyes, and see the situation, as it is. 

Time to try to make good times for a change. God, to see the look i have whenever she's around cud've turned a good man turn bad. haha. But, ahh please please please, let me let me let me get what i want this time. I miss her. 

Grow up adruce. Grow up. +__+

FUCK! SHIT! DAMN!

OMG! HOW THE HELL did 500 days of summer exactly showed what my life story is about. WHAT THE FUCK WEYH?! I watched this at the panggung at it was like watching myself. THEY EVEN GOT THE FUCKING SONG that i play in my head whenever i happy dengan dotdotdot. WHO THE FUCK WENT INTO MY BRAIN? THE MUSICAL PART IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINE MYSELF when im happy. GOD, the guy in the movie even has the same taste in music as me. And summer jangan cakap la. Its exactly what happened between me and dotdotdot. But i dont think im ready to follow the ending. Im still in the fucked up part. You know, where he's all alone and depressed. This movie is me. this is creepy. Bestie, i need you.

Gah! I need a break.

Hey guys, since PMR finished its been the happiest and saddest time of my life. 

Happiest because lately I've been seing dotdotdot more than I'd hope to. I mean it's uncomfortable sure. And it hurts me inside to not be able to face facts. But that's just the way things are, i guess. Broken hearted aside, Its as if there was no hole everytime I see her smile. Rindu gila babi la kat joyah. Babi pun tak gila macam ni. Ku Mahu Kau Tahu has been keeping me company. I can take care of myself don't worry. But just so you know, I wont accept care from anyone else except you. Im waiting still. Its almost two whole months now. Hasnt been a second that im not thinking of you. Im happily waiting. Because i know, it will all be worth it at the end of the day.

Saddest because My atuk preferably called abah went into ICU at University Hospital on October 15th. He suffered a heart attack which lead to many fatal problems. He's resting now. I pray every day and every night that he recovers fast. He was a father to me. A role model. A hero. My atuk's name is Abdul Aziz bin Mokhtar. He is a Japanese man who migrated to Malaysia when he was a child. Raised by the local malays in Johor. My two great grandparents, Tok Tih and Tok Yim. He was the second child among the seven. He was well known to be tough, strong, and determined. The main criterias for a good leader. And yes he is. He was sent off to a military school when he was my age. Pursued his career in the army and went on to be a High rank Artillary Major. He was responsible to fight off communists during post-merdeka dates. Being in the army taught abah how to suck it up. Meaning ignoring fear, pain and doubt. I have never seen Atuk more sad as he is now.

The tale of true love as i see it is best shown between the care and love portrayed by my atuk and nenek. My nenek;s name is Fathilah binti Ibrahim. She's the nenek mainly my friends know as Bagan Lalang Nenek. Haha. As i stood there, crying, helpless in the room with all my relatives, My nenek was holding his hand. Scrubbing it, one after another. She kept saying,          " Aziz, I ada kat sini eh? Everything is gonna be alright.. Everything is gonna be alright.." My atuk is in a coma, therefore he could not respond. But he could hear everything we were saying. He could respond with just mere hand grasps and leg shakings. My nenek was never tired and stood by his side the whole time. Washing his face, whispering the sweet lullabies of the Yassin into his ears. One night, we got word from the doctors that my atuk had very minimal chance of making it. We were torn apart. There wasnt a light at the end of the tunnel. We wept. But no. My nenek didnt participate in grief. Instead she wanted to spend the last hours of his husband not in sadness. But in happiness. She went to his room. Holding in every tear, and starting talking normally. Informing him on whats going on the news and saying who came to visit him and whatnot. My atuk LOVED to watch CNN. everytime he comes to our houses hed switch the channels. end up semua boring. haha.

These two lovebirds care deeply for each other. I know this because they spend every moment together. Nak beli roti pun pegi sama2. Nak beli ubat dari pharmacy pun sama2. Nak manja2 dengan cucu sama2. Nak masak pun sama2. If unfortunately he's gone. I dont think my nenek can take it very well. Who could? Thats why as the eldest cucu I have to give her all the love she needs. 

I got to spoke with atuk recently. well he couldn't respond but It was just me and him. I finally had the chance to say what i want to say to him.

The conversation went like this, 

"atuk, adruce ni. atuk jangan sedih. Semua orang ada dekat sini untuk atuk. Atuk jangan risau, lepas ni adruce boleh tolong masakkan untuk aiman, nuha, tasnim semua(the other cucus yang manja dengan atuk i) Nenek pun adruce akan jaga baik2. Ish, atuk ni. Tulah, Makan manis2 lagi. Orang dah kata dah. Kitaorg semua sayang dekat atuk. Adruce pun sayang. Banyak NI(then i tunjuk how big i loved him. haha) Atuk rehat okay? bila2 atuk nak bangun. Adruce akan ada kat sini."

He grasp my hand as tight as he could. Not wanting me to leave. I didn't. I stood by him the entire day. And now he is slowly recovering alhamdulilah. And he might wake up anytime now. Im so grateful for this. Esok pagi2 lagi i nak pergi hospital. Till then guys, Goodnight.

Merdeka doesn't taste that good.

Well, It is decidedly so. PMR is over and done with. Byebye PMR and hello SPM. :)

I've done everything possible to have fun and enjoy. Its my second day of freedom. And i have no idea on what to do next. haha What now? I lay in bed, listening to my ipod. I spend most of the time breezing through poetic songs from britain in my british playlist. Thats right. Thats how xde kerja i am. 

So life as I know it now is care-free. Enjoying it to the fullest. Though it certainly didn't meet up to my expections. And now i just can't help but think of dotdotdot. Is she doing good? Is she all well and stuffing herself with maggi and chocolates and sardines. haha. I miss her. Every part of me does. Seems as tho things have moved on. Time, situations, move forward without her. Its something that i have adjusted to and the pain bears less, almost non-existent. I keep thinking of the good times, and thats what strikes hard the most. Everywhere i look something reminded me of her. and that sucked. Things are better for her now. And I want her to be happy with the way things are. Well, 10% of me la. The other 90% begs to hear her voice again. :(

I miss her kehkehkeh laugh, I miss the way tucks her hair to the side everytime she tries to think, I miss the way she stared at me, I miss her strawberry scent, I miss the way she keeps me safe, i miss the way she kept me warm, i miss the way we fight, i miss the way we piss abg azuan off, her sweet morning messages, the way she calls me Baby, the hindustan singing, the planning our dream house, the way we always reminded each other of how we met, the singing her to sleep, the building kubu;s. Thats just a fraction of what i miss. Sigh. But most of all, I miss the way She made me feel. After every date, or study group or even after a call. I'd smile for no reason. And the smile usually leads to this one theme song thats stuck in my head. For some reason, if im happy with her, this song keeps playing in my head and makes me have these thoughts of me being a musical. My own musical. Haha, and every morning as i walk to school to see her, i become like this maniac who smiled alot and salam everybody. Haha I was really happy. It was as though the world spun with me. The sun rises and sets with me. Everything was.. nice. And i havent felt this in a while. Who knows how longer I have to wait to get this back. But i still hope, in every prayer of every night, that there's something better around the corner. I just have to look for it.

As the doves say, In times of sweet disposition, Serendipitous twists of fate awaits at every turn.

RinduRinduRinduRinduRindu.

PMR

Yeah, the big day is coming. And it's definately getting to me. Insyaallah everything will be fine. Wish me luck guys.

Gah, whilst doing revisions I can't escape thinking about her STILL. Its not that i wanna forget her. I just.. Here's what I think of love.

Love is like a fire. Either it will warm you're heart.

Or burn your entire house down.

You can never tell. Haha. Amacam? My metaphors are awesome. haha!

I know Im hurt. And I know she's not ever coming back. But there's still some small part of me that still reads her horoscope in the papers everyday. :)