FUCK! SHIT! DAMN!

OMG! HOW THE HELL did 500 days of summer exactly showed what my life story is about. WHAT THE FUCK WEYH?! I watched this at the panggung at it was like watching myself. THEY EVEN GOT THE FUCKING SONG that i play in my head whenever i happy dengan dotdotdot. WHO THE FUCK WENT INTO MY BRAIN? THE MUSICAL PART IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINE MYSELF when im happy. GOD, the guy in the movie even has the same taste in music as me. And summer jangan cakap la. Its exactly what happened between me and dotdotdot. But i dont think im ready to follow the ending. Im still in the fucked up part. You know, where he's all alone and depressed. This movie is me. this is creepy. Bestie, i need you.

Gah! I need a break.

Hey guys, since PMR finished its been the happiest and saddest time of my life. 

Happiest because lately I've been seing dotdotdot more than I'd hope to. I mean it's uncomfortable sure. And it hurts me inside to not be able to face facts. But that's just the way things are, i guess. Broken hearted aside, Its as if there was no hole everytime I see her smile. Rindu gila babi la kat joyah. Babi pun tak gila macam ni. Ku Mahu Kau Tahu has been keeping me company. I can take care of myself don't worry. But just so you know, I wont accept care from anyone else except you. Im waiting still. Its almost two whole months now. Hasnt been a second that im not thinking of you. Im happily waiting. Because i know, it will all be worth it at the end of the day.

Saddest because My atuk preferably called abah went into ICU at University Hospital on October 15th. He suffered a heart attack which lead to many fatal problems. He's resting now. I pray every day and every night that he recovers fast. He was a father to me. A role model. A hero. My atuk's name is Abdul Aziz bin Mokhtar. He is a Japanese man who migrated to Malaysia when he was a child. Raised by the local malays in Johor. My two great grandparents, Tok Tih and Tok Yim. He was the second child among the seven. He was well known to be tough, strong, and determined. The main criterias for a good leader. And yes he is. He was sent off to a military school when he was my age. Pursued his career in the army and went on to be a High rank Artillary Major. He was responsible to fight off communists during post-merdeka dates. Being in the army taught abah how to suck it up. Meaning ignoring fear, pain and doubt. I have never seen Atuk more sad as he is now.

The tale of true love as i see it is best shown between the care and love portrayed by my atuk and nenek. My nenek;s name is Fathilah binti Ibrahim. She's the nenek mainly my friends know as Bagan Lalang Nenek. Haha. As i stood there, crying, helpless in the room with all my relatives, My nenek was holding his hand. Scrubbing it, one after another. She kept saying,          " Aziz, I ada kat sini eh? Everything is gonna be alright.. Everything is gonna be alright.." My atuk is in a coma, therefore he could not respond. But he could hear everything we were saying. He could respond with just mere hand grasps and leg shakings. My nenek was never tired and stood by his side the whole time. Washing his face, whispering the sweet lullabies of the Yassin into his ears. One night, we got word from the doctors that my atuk had very minimal chance of making it. We were torn apart. There wasnt a light at the end of the tunnel. We wept. But no. My nenek didnt participate in grief. Instead she wanted to spend the last hours of his husband not in sadness. But in happiness. She went to his room. Holding in every tear, and starting talking normally. Informing him on whats going on the news and saying who came to visit him and whatnot. My atuk LOVED to watch CNN. everytime he comes to our houses hed switch the channels. end up semua boring. haha.

These two lovebirds care deeply for each other. I know this because they spend every moment together. Nak beli roti pun pegi sama2. Nak beli ubat dari pharmacy pun sama2. Nak manja2 dengan cucu sama2. Nak masak pun sama2. If unfortunately he's gone. I dont think my nenek can take it very well. Who could? Thats why as the eldest cucu I have to give her all the love she needs. 

I got to spoke with atuk recently. well he couldn't respond but It was just me and him. I finally had the chance to say what i want to say to him.

The conversation went like this, 

"atuk, adruce ni. atuk jangan sedih. Semua orang ada dekat sini untuk atuk. Atuk jangan risau, lepas ni adruce boleh tolong masakkan untuk aiman, nuha, tasnim semua(the other cucus yang manja dengan atuk i) Nenek pun adruce akan jaga baik2. Ish, atuk ni. Tulah, Makan manis2 lagi. Orang dah kata dah. Kitaorg semua sayang dekat atuk. Adruce pun sayang. Banyak NI(then i tunjuk how big i loved him. haha) Atuk rehat okay? bila2 atuk nak bangun. Adruce akan ada kat sini."

He grasp my hand as tight as he could. Not wanting me to leave. I didn't. I stood by him the entire day. And now he is slowly recovering alhamdulilah. And he might wake up anytime now. Im so grateful for this. Esok pagi2 lagi i nak pergi hospital. Till then guys, Goodnight.

Merdeka doesn't taste that good.

Well, It is decidedly so. PMR is over and done with. Byebye PMR and hello SPM. :)

I've done everything possible to have fun and enjoy. Its my second day of freedom. And i have no idea on what to do next. haha What now? I lay in bed, listening to my ipod. I spend most of the time breezing through poetic songs from britain in my british playlist. Thats right. Thats how xde kerja i am. 

So life as I know it now is care-free. Enjoying it to the fullest. Though it certainly didn't meet up to my expections. And now i just can't help but think of dotdotdot. Is she doing good? Is she all well and stuffing herself with maggi and chocolates and sardines. haha. I miss her. Every part of me does. Seems as tho things have moved on. Time, situations, move forward without her. Its something that i have adjusted to and the pain bears less, almost non-existent. I keep thinking of the good times, and thats what strikes hard the most. Everywhere i look something reminded me of her. and that sucked. Things are better for her now. And I want her to be happy with the way things are. Well, 10% of me la. The other 90% begs to hear her voice again. :(

I miss her kehkehkeh laugh, I miss the way tucks her hair to the side everytime she tries to think, I miss the way she stared at me, I miss her strawberry scent, I miss the way she keeps me safe, i miss the way she kept me warm, i miss the way we fight, i miss the way we piss abg azuan off, her sweet morning messages, the way she calls me Baby, the hindustan singing, the planning our dream house, the way we always reminded each other of how we met, the singing her to sleep, the building kubu;s. Thats just a fraction of what i miss. Sigh. But most of all, I miss the way She made me feel. After every date, or study group or even after a call. I'd smile for no reason. And the smile usually leads to this one theme song thats stuck in my head. For some reason, if im happy with her, this song keeps playing in my head and makes me have these thoughts of me being a musical. My own musical. Haha, and every morning as i walk to school to see her, i become like this maniac who smiled alot and salam everybody. Haha I was really happy. It was as though the world spun with me. The sun rises and sets with me. Everything was.. nice. And i havent felt this in a while. Who knows how longer I have to wait to get this back. But i still hope, in every prayer of every night, that there's something better around the corner. I just have to look for it.

As the doves say, In times of sweet disposition, Serendipitous twists of fate awaits at every turn.

RinduRinduRinduRinduRindu.

PMR

Yeah, the big day is coming. And it's definately getting to me. Insyaallah everything will be fine. Wish me luck guys.

Gah, whilst doing revisions I can't escape thinking about her STILL. Its not that i wanna forget her. I just.. Here's what I think of love.

Love is like a fire. Either it will warm you're heart.

Or burn your entire house down.

You can never tell. Haha. Amacam? My metaphors are awesome. haha!

I know Im hurt. And I know she's not ever coming back. But there's still some small part of me that still reads her horoscope in the papers everyday. :)

Starting Fresh.

Hey guys,

My last blog had SO many emo posts. I couldn't bear the sight nor thought of it. I feel that I should stop using it as a bulletin board and more to telling people some stories of my recent life. So here we go again,


First off, I want to ucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri or Eid Mubarak to friends who are reading this now, I dah compose one sempoi text message that i sent to close friends. If you didnt get it, please text me so I can slap myself and send it. Haha. RAYA 09' has its ups and downs. But what i can tell you is that its one of the best rayas I've had so far. In fact, Lemme share some info starting from Day 1.

Day 1.

Yes, raya eve. The day where every able bodied man throws himself to every digestible object just for the fact that we can EAT SESUKA HATI NOW. and even to not fit the Baju Melayus and Baju Kurungs just to give another gray hair for mum and dad. Haha, I am not promoting to susahkan our mum and dad. We should LOVE them with all our hearts. But, without a few speed bumps along the way, its like their not doing they're job. HAHA. I spent my raya eve, with The Niks at Shah Alam. It was a hell of alot fun kicking Eiman around since I havent seen him in a while and the fact that he did badly in his recent exams. Uncle Emery literally gave me a green light to teach him a lesson or two about Overobsessing games and wasting time. And as you know me, I intend to use violence and force. HAHA. Kesian dia, When im not kicking Eiman around I play with Eilan. The littlest romeo of us all. Guess what, Aunt Zizi cut his hair. HE IS NOT CUTE ANYMORE! Well, i can fix that. But he does look more boy-ish now. No more Mcdreamy. HAHA. Then me, yan, arif, zarul, azhar, and aris went Last Minute Raya Shopping at Shah Alam Mall. I spent my savings on A pair of new Marks and Spencer pants, a pair of cap ayam shoes just to throw at other cousins, and Mercuns to play later that night. We bought the muthafreaking turdcock of a mercun. The OSAMA BIN LADEN. IT IS FREAKING HUGE, LOUD, and EXPENSIVE. But totally worth it when we woke up Tokwe and Mamatok. Yan sampai kena lecture. HAHA. Me and aris went ahead and planted the usuals, Thundercrack, Lightning Claps, Dragon eggs, Light Rifles, Big Bang Minis, Boom Boom Sticks and the infamous Pop Pop. Haha. Ouch, all that resulted in widestream chaos, mayhem of noise, burnt thumbs, Gashed fingers, and a whole lotta scars. Haha. My most painful raya yet. Well at least I know, i wasn't the worst. ;p Got a video call from My bestie<3 Aryana. Haha. She tried the show me the mercun she was playing and she ended up burning part of her shirt. HAHAHA. Kecoh satu rumah, Got to talk to ma Fati and pa and derang suruh I datang rumah secepat mungkin to go see Kenit and Kenot which is anak Kak Leya and brader Ashraf. Kak Amani gave me a brief message saying Oi you. Adik i rindu, come now and il make you pancakes. But of course i wasnt fooled. She never keeps her promise. haha. I tak reply. Lamaaa lepas tu, dia message balik, extra syrup. HAHAHA Love you guys so so much. Can't wait to go to penang!!

When i least expected it, I received a phone call from dotdotdot. It was very sweet of her to take the inisiative to call and ask how was my well being. For a brief moment, I had forgotten all the fuck ups in the past, It seemed as though nothing happened and nothing changed. We had fun talking for half an hour. Next thing i know, she has to go. Said our goodbyes and wished each other to take good care. It was nice. Finally i actually smiled sincerely without having to force myself. I miss that sengih2 feeling everytime i hear her voice. But that was that. And I snapped back to reality. She's gone. She's happy. Leave her alone. Spent yet another all nighter with the twins watching hbo. Saturday night showtimes are the BEST. We started with a midnight movie of Three can play at that game. FUCKING HILARIOUS OF a movie that features relationships as games. Then followed by Hancock which the twins were very hesistant to watch at first because they say it sucked. I LIKED IT. Didn;'t quite get the whole Charlize Theron being a superwoman too. But what the hell. I suspect that the twins are rascist. HAHA. I mean CMON. Just because Will Smith is black doesn't mean its gonna suck. So ficcle minded of a cousin la. Make that COUSINS. HAHA. Didnt sleep till Pagi Raya where everybody woke up. and we were the last men standing. Haha. What happens next, is just something you would want to wait. Its worth the time.

I cant say much now, Till the next post.

Senyum sokmo guys. ;)