I can't lie to myself.

As I'm trying to find reasons why I'm feeling this way, I keep telling myself, I'm nothing to her. Apasal nak terhegeh - hegeh lagi ni?

Yes, I found someone new. To ease the heartache. And hopefully to cure it away. But why do I keep listening to your favourite song? Why do I keep replaying all the good times we had together in my head? Why do I shiver knowing that you won't be here to keep me warm?

Even the hardest math equation can't beat this puzzle I'm trying to solve. Did I fall THAT hard for you?

I can't lie to myself anymore. It hurts me to say, I'm still not over you.

But when i browse through our previous conversations in msn, I realise I was always giving 70% while you were supporting with only 30%. You always needed a reason to love. Either you force me to make my hair in a way you find hot, or wear something you find hot. You didn't love me unconditionally, as i did you. Let's level with reality, If you would whisper to me those three words. I would be running back to you. Right into your soft arms. But now, I'm not gonna make it that easy. Eventhough, i need and want you every second. I need some proof. That you're love is genuine. Because mine is.

I'm not some hobo you can get to dangle in front of your ex. Be mindful of that. These past two months are the worst. And can be equivalent to the three times i was forced to leave you.

Good Luck for SPM. I know you can do it.
and so does Mr SMP who loves you very much. haha.

I hate you, so so much. But.. I love you.

Kenapa you ni?

Dont say it, if u dont mean it.
Dont say it, if u cant do it.
Dont say it, if u cant prove it.

My New Sister

Cute kan dia? Nama dia karina. And I'm responsible for her nowadays. ;D

Rational Response.

My previous post might've been abit harsh to some yang terasa pedasnya. 

I have moved on. I've looked past this. and no hard feelings have been kept. Hope she is happy as I am now.

There is always something better, around the corner.

As I am writing this down, I see her. And this isn't dotdotdot anymore. Its A. Ohh, A. Where do I begin?

When I lost dotdotdot. I thought woah, im sad, I dont think I can recover. Blahblahblah Macam the world doesnt spin anymore and whatever. I was kind of foolish to think those sort of things even though it felt right and it felt true. I did tore up in pieces and yes it made me feel like utter shit. But my atuk always told me, which all who are reading should believe, that everything happens for a reason. 

To whoever who was left without consent, who were shattered by lies of false words. Please, don't make it hard for urselves. Keep ur shit together. But how could you when that other half made you so fucked up. I understand. When I was going thru the same shit, Lots of words of encouragement flung my way. Quotes by people who have :-

Adrees : Its okay man, Being single is fun! You could go out with whoever you want, Mingle as                   as much as you'd like. Get a few scandals here and there. Play the field.

Su         : Adruce, move on. I hate seeing my little brother like this. Yes, you can wait. Tapi

                sampai bila? Lots of other girls can make you happy.

Nab      : Adruce, you should get someone you're age.

Oh yeah, did i forget to mention my other half asked me to wait? Yeah, that's right. Its been two months and I haven't heard even a hi. Cruel kan? But some people tend to screw you up and hold you down. Listen, I have grown tired of hearing her flurring about elsewhere with other men while I sit waiting for a phone call or an sms. Listen guys, Things may seem bad at first. You can't find a reason to get up from bed, you wouldn't even turn on ur ipod just in case her songs come playing, But why do we end up doing the things we did. Its because we keep remembering the good stuff. Sure there were plenty. Not forgetting the bad ones. Look again, Im sure you'l see something different. We will always keep thinking about them. The way they made us laugh. The way they made us happy. Sure, but was it true for them as it was for us? Ask urself that question.

My main advice, don't shun urselves from doing what you love and normally do. NEVER EVER pass up an oppurtunity to socialize or meet new people like say in my case, Sofia's Halloween Party. Here's where i met A. I swear the moment i saw her. Wasnt like any other. I cudn't keep my eyes off of her. Even Aizat noticed that I had my eye on her the whole night. We met in a unordinary fashion. I was basicly making jokes and dancing thriller that night. She noticed and laughed alot. One thing led to another and we started talking. She invited me and our friends to go swimming in her pool. I had a blast. I couldn't remember the last time i had so much fun. We played a bunch of games. And she on the other hand, made a move by saying " You look like David Archuleta. Pastu, dia sengih. HAHA. It was so cute. and basicly the night went perfect. Around 3am, me, ameerul and aizat decided to hit the culdesac. About Halfway thru my journey. I couldnt help but think, " Am I walking away empty handed? No numbers, no emails" of course I did, I didn't want to rush things. But then, Aizat gave me an epiphany to give it a shot. Went back all the way. Rang her doorbell. She was at her window, staring down at me. As she opened her window, she said, Are you missing something? And i said, Yeah, Youre number! She and her friends laughed, and she went on ahead by giving me her number while tersengih-sengih. And i bid her goodnight. Since then, I have seen her a cpl of times. Texting her and calling her everyday. Im starting to feel like the hole in my heart never existed. A managed to sow it back up. And when i keep thinking about it, Have i moved on? Have i finally gotten over dotdotdot? I think so. That being said, A is more of a sweetheart than i hoped she would be. She's FUNNY! haha. Makes me laugh, we have the same taste in movies. Tho not so much in music. But il force her to listen to my ipod anyways. Haha. Im liking her more and more each day.

It feels good. THIS feels good. Im finally happy. :)

Gym beats the shit out of me.

So yeah, PMR post-candidates find themselves at a tough spot having done a lot of things within the frst week of our own vacation. Being one of them, I took on the liberty of joining a gym. Its fun actually if you cut out all the sweat dripping from ure ballsack and the agony screams coming from ur muscles due to the weights. Ignoring the fact that you have to stare at everyone's ass at the showers, gym is a really good place to "cuci mata".

Thats right, For al the perverts out there. Gym is a resource. haha. A mojority of gym members are already fit and in shape to inspire boners. So go ahead boys, look! I even made fast friends with an instuctor. My personal instructor, Zuri. I joined because a friend by the name of Afroz works there and persuaded me. He succeeded and yes, i am seeing results. Now that's awesome. A daily routine of coming in the morning and evening. Starting off with 25 minutes on the threadmill, then another 20 on the bicycle RPMs, break with a juice on the house by Emma. Thanks hun. And, weight lifting session with Jay, usually around an hour building up my chest doing Benchpresses and whatnot. Then i hope back on the stepper for 15 minutes, and do footwork for another half an hour. My body is literally at torture. Haha. But hey, looking good comes with a price. My sperm sterility. HAHA.

Emma btw is a really fun, cool consultant at the gym that I've been seeing. She's fun to flirt with. She thinks I'm 18. haha. Shhh. Anyways, this is excluding the free classes. OHOHO Zumbaa yeay! hahaha! God dammit, so the gym offers classes such as aerobics, dance classes, yoga classes that are not only fun but maintains a purpose on burning our fats. Please, if you are a member, Highlight the zumba dance classes. The instructor is enuf to make you jizz ur pants. FUCKING HOT. anyways, it's been fun. and im seeing fast results. Lets see if i can get a six pack by december. WOOHOO.

till then, Senyum sokmo guys.

I should just suck it up.

I nampak dia. My heart beats a million beats in a second. 

I wudn't know what to say. I wudn't know what to do. Cudn't breathe sometimes.

I wanna stare. I won;t. Why? because I'm scared. Screwing up whatever happiness she has now.

My head says fuck it. Leave her alone. but god knows, my heart is craving for her every second.

Sometimes in life, things don't go the way you want. And I'm being melodramatic by being so emo-ish. I won't even stand being in the same room with her. Even if we're accompanied by our same dearest friends. Its hard. But maybe If i could just find it in my heart to go talk to her. She knows I'l always forgive her. What's stopping me, I have no idea.

This is childish. I have to start opening my eyes, and see the situation, as it is. 

Time to try to make good times for a change. God, to see the look i have whenever she's around cud've turned a good man turn bad. haha. But, ahh please please please, let me let me let me get what i want this time. I miss her. 

Grow up adruce. Grow up. +__+